Thursday, September 20, 2007

Gonna Dress You Up In My Love

"I don't know what I did to deserve this. I must have done something really terrible in my past life. Maybe I invented culottes." Murphy Brown

Like a lot of people my age, I carry a forward head posture. When I think about it, which is about once every 5 years, I'll try and sit up straight, pull my shoulders back and pull my stomach in. The result of this posture means my stomach sticks out......a lot. And it's not just the posture doing it; I'm fat. I have a big basketball sitting where my waistline used to be.

I can't conceal it very well but I do what I can to not draw attention to it. I try to choose clothing that is cut wider in the shoulders and hips to make it look like I have some kind of shape. I do this out of consideration for my classmates so that my great basketball in full bloom won't block their view of the 22-year-old hotties walking around campus.

I have a doppelganger in my class. People say we look exactly alike. Experience has borne this out. One day my professor handed me something and went back to lecturing. About 10 minutes later she walked over to my doppelganger and asked for the thing back that she had given to me. So it's real. Our personalities, however, are nothing alike. She is more of the homeroom mother, second grade teacher, Vacation Bible school volunteer type. She bakes cookies for the nurses at our clinical sites. When it's a classmate's birthday she passes around birthday cards for everyone to sign. Me, I'm the bitchy, cynical, sarcastic, wise-cracking, gossipy, self-centered type. If I bake cookies it's because I have a craving for cookies.

She is a very nice person; a pillar of virtue even, thoughtful and sweet. But she does something that I hope makes it easy for someone to tell us apart from miles away. She wears elastic-waist pants......with a T-shirt......tucked into the elastic-waist pants.

Remember, she is my doppelganger, which is not really a twin, but we look exactly alike. That means she has forward head posture and a big basketball in front too. Tucking a white T-shirt into dark green pants with an elastic waistband is saying HEY! LOOK AT MY BASTKETBALL. YOO HOO. RIGHT HERE!

I won't even go into the culottes and skorts that she wears with running shoes and footies.

Then I noticed that the phenomenon is spreading. Yesterday I saw 3 other middle-aged women with forward head posture and basketballs in front wearing their shirts tucked into their pants. Over the past few weeks I've seen, I don't know, 5 women over 40 wearing culottes with Birkenstocks and socks to match their shirt. Okay, fashion faux pax. One should wear socks to match their slacks, not their shirts. Oh dear.

Did I miss fashion day in 1977 or something? When was it ever okay for anyone from my generation to wear shirts tucked into an elastic waist? I remember during the 80's when oxford shirts tucked into slacks were big, and I have to admit I'm a huge fan of that look. If it ever comes back I might even consider losing 50 pounds so I could pull it off.

Nevermind. No I won't.

Long ago I made the decision to grow old gracefully. I promised myself that I would not attempt to wear clothes that are meant for people 20 years younger than me. So far it's not a problem. This abomination that is the the babydoll, that makes one look like you're walking around in your nightgown is easy enough for me to avoid.

I'm no sex kitten, I don't have a strong sense of style and I haven't shopped for anything new in a while, but culottes? Skorts? T-shirts tucked into elastic waists? What happened? When does a person wake up one day and say "I'm going to go out and buy the ugliest thing I can find and make myself look 20 years older?"

I hope that if I ever get the urge to wear a skort, or if I tuck my shirt into my elastic waistband, that someone who cares about me will pull me aside and say ever so gently..........

"You're not wearing THAT are you?"

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